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“They’ve proven their minds can be taken over by empty rhetoric.”

Electoral vote:
Obama– 276
McCain– 261

Margin of Error:+/- 0 (I’m just that good).

Your turn.

Old Lady: Did you see my birds?

Mr. Rudy: What?

Old Lady: My birds. (points around building) I feed them every day.

Mr. Rudy: (Looks. 50 feasting birds of assorted variety.) Wow there are lots. They must like you.

Old Lady: No. They love me.

The rest of my stroll down Public Alley 301 was consumed with rumination over the apparently emotive distinction between birds’ like and birds’ love.

Thank you stranger.

The joke goes something like this: What do you get when you cross two men over forty, a national audience, and unlimited spending power?

A Presidential debate.

Crappy jokes aside, inquiring minds want to know, where’s the debate?

New Oxford American Dictionary defines debate as:

A formal discussion on a particular topic in a public meeting or legislative assembly, in which opposing arguments are put forward.

Certainly the discussion is formal. They are in front an audience in the tens of millions, given a color-coded podium, and typically moderated by television greats like Tom Brokaw and Gwen Ifill. Who? Oh yeah, that one lady from PBS. But the Presidential debate departs from the definition of debate immediately thereafter. So everyone’s here, all the cameras are on, everyone’s all set. Ready, set, debate! –Right?

Then it happens. Click. They turn on the microphones. The candidates start talking. The proverbial shit hits the proverbial fan. If you catch my proverbial drift. A debate that should be filled with “opposing arguments” turns into a powerless parade of profligate promises.

Four ps in a row can be overwhelming, so let me break it down.

1) Powerless: Candidate. Say it with me. Can-did-ate. We are fortunate enough to live in a Nation where anyone can be President.* And that means we have an election, and you aren’t President until the great citizens of America vote for enough other old guys and girls (the electoral college) to make you President. But sometimes listening to candidates makes me wonder if they already think they’re elected. They’re not. And if we’re being realistic their sole aspiration in the furious pre-election fracas is the Presidency itself. They want to rule you.

*As long as you’re white (not for long), male, a native-born citizen, 35 or older, and live in the U.S. for 14 years. Also, you must claim you’re a Christian, support the little guy, support the big guy, have 49 domiciles, be in the top 1% of earners, be “uniquely poised to handle the challenges of office”, and myriad other compromises that pander to various specific–and general–interests.

This means, unfortunately, that overhauling America (or whatever iteration a candidate chooses to proffer) is not a controlling incentive. Sorry if your change bubble just burst. Cute campaign words are a means to an end. The end is the Presidency.

If you’re offended by my cynicism I would venture to guess you’re someone who debates the merits of a Presidential candidate on what they say. “No but my guy is going to cut taxes and your guy isn’t.” “No but my guy isn’t and your guy is.” “No but my dad said my guy is better.” These rhetorical melees are somewhat entertaining, but they’re a bona fide waste of time. If your presidential candidate knew that all they had to do to secure the Presidency was express disloyalty to you, they would do so in a heartbeat. Consequently, the fact that a candidate’s constituents have greater faith in their promises than the candidates do is more ironic than Alanis Morissette lyrics. They are trying to get elected. They are politicians. The only exercise of power they have while they are candidates is rhetoric.

If you’re going to debate someone who supports another candidate, great, but be realistic about it. Predicate your argument on what your candidate likely can accomplish, not on what they claim they can accomplish. Lest you become as indelibly and disingenuously tied to their rhetoric as they are.

Given the powerless nature of candidates, and the transparency of their motives, it is remarkable how much stock people place in their promises. If Terrell Owens promised that the cowboys would win the Superbowl this season, would you believe him? I hope not. Why? Because 1) How does he know? 2) Who is he to say? And 3) He has an obvious incentive to bolster his team’s reputation. Yet, if anything, it requires less to believe Terrell’s hypothetical promise than many a Presidential candidate makes. They have never been President, the impending variables they face are infinitely more complicated and weighty than a team faces during the course of a football season, and they clearly have an incentive to bolster their reputation.

2) Profligate: Suffice it to say that profligate in the context of a Presidential debate speaks to the overtly unsubstantiated and unlikely nature of just about every monetary promise a candidate makes. And the fact, close in tow, that none of their promises mean anything outside the context of the position they’re trying to get; the Presidency.

Ironically, on this point, the government just passed a bill awarding nearly three quarters of a trillion dollars (of what was your money) to faltering financial institutions. If a candidate promises they will never give taxpayer money to financial firms under any circumstances, do you really think that on the cusp of world destruction they will make good on that promise–or any other similarly broad promise? Probably not, even in light of the fact that their promise was ostensibly one of the reasons people voted for them.

In this regard, Presidential candidates and their supporters have a grossly asymmetric relationship. Supporters buy the bumper stickers, wear the t-shirts, and say the slogans. And candidates repay the favor by spending gazillions of dollars trying to rule their supporters’ world. This probably helps explain the marked decrease in Presidential t-shirts post-election, and the marked increase in shittalking apparel. “Buck Fush”.

3) Promise: Promise is the meat of a Presidential debate. Not the good, noun, form of promise. “He shows promise.” Not that kind. It’s the bad, verb kind. “I promise to…” They usually start out with a qualification, “If elected President…” That’s when I stop listening, because apparently, “If elected” is an invitation to say horribly broad and untrue things that you are going to do in the future; “promises”.

4) Parade: Parade means two things. It’s what the candidates do when they stroll around acting like they’re one of us. Oh yeah, because we’re all running for president. Consult the discussion of “powerless” for a description of what it takes to be President.

Parade is also what they do with their promises. Think of their promises as your favorite kind of chocolate (if you don’t like chocolate, substitute anything you like). Candidate A promises you lots. You love it. You’re thrilled. You’re going to vote for A. Yes. He can change America. Yes he can! But uh-oh, candidate B promises you even more chocolate. You’re torn. Well I’ve got badgood news. Neither candidate knows if they actually have any chocolate. Not your favorite kind. Not any kind.

The glass is half full.
-Optimist

The glass is half empty.
-Cynic

The glass tastes like rainbows.
-LSD addict

The glass is in your wallet.
-David Blaine

Let’s give the contents of the glass to the less fortunate.
-Peace activist

Lets break the glass, and use it to inflict injury on others.
-Anarchist

I’m not thirsty.
-Ghandi

Define “glass”.
-Lawyer

Define “empty”.
-Lawyer

Define “define”.
-Bill Clinton

My glass is bigger than your glass.
-One Upper

My glass is always empty.
-Alcoholic

My glass is always full.
-Aristocrat

ONE glass should be enough for EVERYONE.
-Communist

What if the glass was made of metal? And it was actually a car? And the driver was driving faster than the speed limit? And what if the driver was drunk? But he was only driving because someone was holding a gun to his head? But the gun wasn’t real. But the gun looked real. But the driver wasn’t sure that it was real. But he thought it might be real. Is the driver liable?
-Law Professor

Bangarang.
-Peter Pan

Leave Glass Alone!
-Leave Britney Alone Internet Sensation

Fifty percent of the hardened cylinder is filled with an unidentified liquid.
-Scientist

The glass hates black people.
-Kanye

If the glass is not half empty, then it is not half full.
The glass is half full.
Therefore it is half empty.
-Aristotle

Ouch.
-Hypochondriac

This glass is dirty. Bring me another.
-Restaurant Critic

I don’t know what’s in the glass, but I’m going to drink it anyway. Extreme!!
-Mountain Dew Enthusiast

I only use plastic. And I don’t recycle. And I hate polar bears.
-Global Warming Critic

Careful. That glass is made of glass.
-My grandmother

When I was your age, glass was safer.
-My grandfather

THIS GLASS WOULD BE BETTER IF IT WAS FILLED WITH ICE CREAM. (Yelling)
-Professor Bob Bone

Glass like wha? Glass like what?
My glass so fly it ain’t eeeeen a cup.
-50 Cent. To the tune of “Fresh ’83”

I don’t even know what a glass is anymore.
-Law Student

If the burden of preventing injury from the glass is lower than the probability/severity of the injury, you are negligent.
-Judge Learned Hand

The beverage in the glass has way too much sugar.
-Nutritionist

My glass is half full……..of protein!
-Gym Rat

Glasses aren’t even invented yet.
-Moses

I invented the glass.
-Al Gore

In a global economy, manufacturing glasses will become cheaper and cheaper, chasing reduced labor markets around the world. But cheap labor is elusive. So the cost of manufacturing glasses will never be optimal.
-Thomas Friedman

We should not augment the substance in the glass, nor should we decrease it. We must leave it alone. Natural market forces will dictate the appropriate level.
-Milton Friedman

The glass is half empty. But it’s half empty of puréed snake eyeballs and cow testicles.
-Joe Rogan (Fear Factor)

The glass hates me. Everyone hates me. I hate me.
-Emo Kid

I haven’t seen a glass in years.
-Inmate

The glass is much too informal for such an occasion.
-Martha Stewart

“In my estimation, America’s tactic of maintaining an unbridled current-account deficit, if left unchecked, will be the primary contributor to her eventual demise. If consumers in America continue to purchase more than they produce, they will eventually run into a wall of borrowing, where the world will let them borrow no more. At this point, America will go from the heights of consumption to the depths of shortage.”

At the time I hoped we wouldn’t hit that “wall of borrowing” until I was at least fifty. The way markets are right now it appears I won’t even make it out of my twenties.

If you thought the stakes were high for the next president, they just got a lot higher. And if you thought oil was expensive the past twelve months…well lets just say I hope you have been saving for the new Chevy Volt. http://www.chevrolet.com/electriccar/

Total songs listened to: 13695
Time spent listening to music: 5 Weeks, 3 Days, 15 Hours
Total songs in library: 3923

Top 50 Artists
—————————–
1. Radiohead – 1591
2. Muse – 1178
3. Coldplay – 768
4. Sufjan Stevens – 583
5. Wu-Tang Clan – 493
6. GZA – 453
7. Trespassers William – 437
8. Simon & Garfunkel – 434
9. Belle and Sebastian – 414
10. Biggie – 374
11. Kings of Convenience – 357
12. The Cranberries – 349
13. Death Cab For Cutie – 286
14. Circa Survive – 224
15. Peter Bjorn and John – 222
16. Band of Horses – 201
17. Chad Mitchell Compilation – 195
18. Beastie Boys – 183
19. Rocky Votolato – 132
20. The Roots – 118
21. Ryan Adams & The Cardinals – 115
22. Enya – 100
23. Billy Joel – 99
24. Aimee Mann – 93
25. GZA the Genius – 89
26. The Beatles – 85
27. Rage Against The Machine – 83
28. Tom Rush – 79
29. Dredg – 79
30. Kelly Clarkson – 79
31. The Appleseed Cast – 78
32. Beck – 77
33. James Taylor – 74
34. Rage Against the Machine – 74
35. The Allman Brothers Band – 71
36. Saul Williams – 69
37. Gary Jules – 65
38. Gnarls Barkley – 62
39. Jeff Buckley – 61
40. Wyclef Jean – 61
41. Morcheeba – 60
42. Moments in Grace – 60
43. Elliott Smith – 59
44. Psapp – 56
45. At The Drive-In – 56
46. Aidan Hawken – 56
47. Civalias – 53
48. Cursive – 51
49. Steve Miller Band – 48
50. Tag Team – 47

Top 50 Albums
—————————–
1. In Rainbows (Radiohead) – 922
2. Origin of Symmetry (Muse) – 556
3. Liquid Swords (GZA) – 446
4. Having (Trespassers William) – 437
5. Ready to die (Biggie) – 367
6. Absolution (Muse) – 345
7. The Cranberries: Stars – The Best of 1992-2002 (The Cranberries) – 340
8. X & Y (Coldplay) – 337
9. Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) (Wu-Tang Clan) – 286
10. Seven Swans (Sufjan Stevens) – 255
11. Boy With the Arab Strap (Belle and Sebastian) – 241
12. Juturna (Circa Survive) – 224
13. Writer’s Block (Peter Bjorn and John) – 222
14. A Rush Of Blood To The Head (Coldplay) – 217
15. Hail To The Thief (Radiohead) – 204
16. Everything All the Time (Band of Horses) – 201
17. The Essential Simon & Garfunkel (Disc 2) (Simon & Garfunkel) – 199
18. Riot On An Empty Street (Kings of Convenience) – 189
19. Illinois (Sufjan Stevens) – 187
20. The Life Pursuit (Belle and Sebastian) – 173
21. Coldplay B-sides (Coldplay) – 170
22. Versus (Kings of Convenience) – 168
23. Plans (Death Cab For Cutie) – 165
24. Black Holes And Revelations (Muse) – 161
25. Amnesiac (Radiohead) – 159
26. Greetings from Michigan The Great Lakes State (Sufjan Stevens) – 141
27. Sounds of Silence (Simon & Garfunkel) – 133
28. Makers (Rocky Votolato) – 132
29. Transatlanticism (Death Cab For Cutie) – 121
30. Hello Nasty (Beastie Boys) – 120
31. Showbiz (Muse) – 116
32. Phrenology (The Roots) – 96
33. Magnolia Soundtrack (Aimee Mann) – 93
34. The Bends (Radiohead) – 91
35. Mathematics Presents Wu-Tang Returns (Wu-Tang Clan) – 90
36. Pro Tools (GZA the Genius) – 89
37. MFV Disc 1 (Chad Mitchell Compilation) – 87
38. The Beatles [White Album] (Disc 1) (The Beatles) – 82
39. MFV Disc 2 (Chad Mitchell Compilation) – 80
40. cd (Kelly Clarkson) – 79
41. Perregrine (The Appleseed Cast) – 78
42. The Best Of The Allman Brothers Band (The Allman Brothers Band) – 69
43. Sea Change (Beck) – 68
44. OK Computer (Radiohead) – 67
45. Kid A (Radiohead) – 65
46. Donnie Darko (Gary Jules) – 65
47. Cold Roses [Disc 1] (Ryan Adams & The Cardinals) – 63
48. The Essential Billy Joel (Disc 2) (Billy Joel) – 62
49. St. Elsewhere (Gnarls Barkley) – 62
50. Saul Williams (Saul Williams) – 62

Top 50 Genres
—————————–
1. Hip Hop/Rap – 2496
2. Rock – 2388
3. Indie Rock – 1953
4. Indie – 1625
5. Pop – 1358
6. Alternative – 1217
7. Classic Rock – 843
8. Folk – 356
9. Electronic – 273
10. Soundtrack – 268
11. Classic Folk – 235
12. Indie Folk – 127
13. Easy Listening – 100
14. Classical – 91
15. Classic Pop – 69
16. Hip-Hop – 62
17. Metal – 51
18. Alternative & Punk – 35
19. R&B – 32
20. Punk – 26
21. Jazz – 24
22. Christian Pop – 17
23. Hardcore – 12
24. Reggae – 7
25. Latin – 5
26. World – 2
27. Speech – 1
28. R&B/Soul – 1
29. Gangsta – 1
30. Reality TV – 1
31. classical – 1
32. Country – 0
33. Rap – 0

Top 50 Songs
—————————–
1. Reckoner (Radiohead) – 116
2. 15 Step (Radiohead) – 100
3. House Of Cards (Radiohead) – 97
4. Jigsaw Falling Into Place (Radiohead) – 95
5. Bodysnatchers (Radiohead) – 93
6. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi (Radiohead) – 89
7. Faust Arp (Radiohead) – 89
8. Videotape (Radiohead) – 85
9. All I Need (Radiohead) – 84
10. Apocalypse Please (Muse) – 83
11. Since You Been Gone (Kelly Clarkson) – 79
12. The Funeral (Band of Horses) – 75
13. Nude (Radiohead) – 74
14. What Of Me (Trespassers William) – 72
15. The Seed (2.0) (The Roots) – 72
16. Mad World (Gary Jules) – 65
17. Bliss (Muse) – 64
18. Things Done Changed (Biggie) – 63
19. List of Demands (Reparations) (Saul Williams) – 62
20. Crazy (Gnarls Barkley) – 62
21. Shadowboxin’ (GZA) – 58
22. Ready To Die (Biggie) – 57
23. Hyper Music (Muse) – 56
24. Tricycle (Psapp) – 56
25. The Night’s Disguise (Rocky Votolato) – 56
26. Neighborhood (Aidan Hawken) – 56
27. Little Kids (Remix) (Kings of Convenience) – 54
28. And So It Goes (Billy Joel) – 54
29. 4th Chamber (GZA) – 54
30. Gimme The Loot (Biggie) – 53
31. Space Dementia (Muse) – 52
32. Plug In Baby (Muse) – 52
33. New Born (Muse) – 52
34. Another Sunny Day (Belle and Sebastian) – 52
35. Eyes Like Bottles (Trespassers William) – 51
36. What If (Coldplay) – 49
37. Citizen Erased (Muse) – 49
38. Feeling Good (Muse) – 49
39. Micro Cuts (Muse) – 48
40. Liquid Swords (GZA) – 47
41. Wise Up (Aimee Mann) – 47
42. Guess I’m Doing Fine (Beck) – 47
43. Screenager (Muse) – 47
44. Save Me  (Aimee Mann) – 46
45. The What (Biggie) – 46
46. Whoomp (There It Is) (Tag Team) – 46
47. Weakening (Trespassers William) – 46
48. A Fate Delivered (The Appleseed Cast) – 45
49. Megalomania (Muse) – 45
50. Somebody That I Used to Know (Elliott Smith) – 44

I woke up three hours before my first class for fear of being late. I gathered my books and lugged them to class. I was two hours and forty minutes early.

I think my books weigh 400 pounds. I can’t make fun of people who use rolling suitcases as their backpacks anymore. If you want to get a feel for how much law school books weigh, put three collegiate dictionaries in your backpack (I know, who the hell has three collegiate dictionaries?) and carry them around for awhile. At first it doesn’t seem so bad. You feel confident, smart even. You have these dictionaries in your bag and you’re not going to take crap from anyone. Then your neck starts to hurt, your back, your knees, your legs. You begin to wonder why you’re using a “backpack”, and not a “wagon”. You’re not so tough anymore. You’re just an ordinary joe (joan) carrying around a dog’s food bag worth of weight in textbooks that you don’t even understand.

I don’t want to convey the impression that my first day sucked. It was awesome. We even had a case in torts about young boys kicking each other.

I’m just going to have to come to terms with the fact that part of learning the law may be a sore neck.